Careful Comedian Gifts

"Aren't you overreacting a bit now?"

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

Bob liked getting involved - but not actively involved.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Memory Foam Mattress.

Athlete

Great literary festival heckles.

"Okay scouts, that ends today's online soldering session!"

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

'Excuse me,Sir, but me and the rest of the work force think this dress code probably violates OSHA rules.'

'You're new at this, aren't you?'

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

Computer cables as fire ladder.

Policeman and cab tout,

'The hook was too dangerous.'

"So are the results not very good?"

'I'm going to prescribe a sedative for those worry warts.'

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

"You're doing it wrong."

Blight at the end of the tunnel

"You don't need a mask, I filled it with hand sanitizer." (man swimming in a pool, inviting in another person who is wearing a mask)

I brake for EVERYTHING.

"I'm not taking any chances. . ."

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

"Better safe than sorry."

"You're quite right...your wine cellar is extensive."

The self-breathalyzer.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you're sure they can't hit back."

"We're running a little behind, so I'd like each of you to ask yourself, 'Am I really that sick, or would I just be wasting the doctor' valuable time?'"

'You won't be nedding the hard hat, as we'll be making the entire structure out of jelly'

Little did Billy know, he was about to walk into an open manhole. . . luckily he wasn't the first.