Careful Comedian Pillows

"Your prognosis? That depends on your health insurance."

"Aren't you overreacting a bit now?"

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

Bob liked getting involved - but not actively involved.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Memory Foam Mattress.

Athlete

Great literary festival heckles.

"Okay scouts, that ends today's online soldering session!"

'Hey, maybe you need to work on your writing goodlymoreshun.'

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

Spawn of Satan on board.

'Excuse me,Sir, but me and the rest of the work force think this dress code probably violates OSHA rules.'

Computer cables as fire ladder.

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

'You're new at this, aren't you?'

Policeman and cab tout,

'The hook was too dangerous.'

'I'm going to prescribe a sedative for those worry warts.'

"So are the results not very good?"

"You're doing it wrong."

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

Blight at the end of the tunnel

"I'm not taking any chances. . ."

"You don't need a mask, I filled it with hand sanitizer." (man swimming in a pool, inviting in another person who is wearing a mask)

"Better safe than sorry."

I brake for EVERYTHING.

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

"You're quite right...your wine cellar is extensive."

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you're sure they can't hit back."

The self-breathalyzer.

"We're running a little behind, so I'd like each of you to ask yourself, 'Am I really that sick, or would I just be wasting the doctor' valuable time?'"