Cautious Comedian Pillows

"Better safe than sorry."

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Bob liked getting involved - but not actively involved.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"Well, sure, it LOOKS like a straightforward plea to buy our product...but for safety we better run it by the legal department

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

The thinker Easter egg

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

Make Your Own

'What did you do with the whale I harpooned yesterday?'

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

"It's okay to be conservative, but maybe we should evolve and learn to read!"

Policeman and cab tout,

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

'You're new at this, aren't you?'

'The hook was too dangerous.'

"First time ice fishing?"

"O.K. kid, arts and crafts time - today we’ll be making your ransom note."

"I'm not taking any chances. . ."

"Sorry, I don't have any beer. The wife cut social benefits and plowed the money into her defence budget..."

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

Blight at the end of the tunnel

'World peace? Isn't that just an idealistic cliche?'

'True, sir, but in a larger sense, aren't we ALL useless parasites?'

Ted never left anything to chance. His computer passwords were all 99 random characters long. . .

'There goes an honest politician -- his only campaign promises are 'death and taxes.''

"You're quite right...your wine cellar is extensive."

'The first carpenter really screwed it up...'