Curious Comedian Pillows

'You're new at this, aren't you?'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Sock Puppet in Literature

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Optimist

"How about a hand."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Self Help / Elf Help.

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

"I cross the road to forget."

'The Lemming Book Store'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'