Corny Humorist Pillows

popcorn...

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Run, run, as fast as you can!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Football Chameleon

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

"Honey, where did you put my Green Lantern cufflinks?!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Barbeque Casualty.

Glance Exchange

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

"It's just a tree."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."