Quirky Comedian Pillows

Optimist

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"

"Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have nibbled those mushrooms."

"Stop complaining, this is going to hurt me more than you!"

'Well it was his request to be burried in a flat-pack coffin.'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

'It's okay. Haven't you heard of the 5 day rule?'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Airline Check-In. Departures. Sir, we now also have an ugly luggage fee.

Executions with instant replay.

'Do you have any more photos of your mom? I'm training the cat not to scratch the furniture.'

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How do I know if a guy likes me? There's one telltale sign a man is interested in you: HE WEEPS WHEN YOU MERCILESSLY MOCK HIM AND ALL THAT HE HOLDS DEAR. It also weeds out the "men" who are afraid to cry. Thank you, Dr. Sadie.

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

'Take me to your leader.'

Dennis greets another day from his basement apartment.

Woman walks the dog, using a clothes line as a dog lead.

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

'I think that we have discovered the cause of your severe heartburn.'

'This could get tricky, sir — your luggage accidentally went to Ralph Nader!'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

'Loaf of bread, half gallon of milk, bag of chips... Huh? Of course I'm writing this down!'

The jungle grill!

'Don't let him in - I don't trust his shoes.'

"We can't afford to be late. If you can't find your cuff links, use the nipple clamps mother gave you for xmas."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Either that's Marmaduke with a lizard's head in front of us, or I really mixed up my meds."

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell