Quirky Comedians Pillows

Sago Masochism

Snow Stab.

'Sorry, we serve beer in glasses only. Not in the toilet flush.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Blind man walking a tortoise.

"Fresh pepper?"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Optimist

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

"I cross the road to forget."

Self Help / Elf Help.

'You can't come in here with that.'

"Not tonight. The furniture is sentient again."

"Larry, nooo! Don't look into the BOWL!!!"

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'