Quirky Comedy Aficionado Pillows

'I think we're being stalked.'

"Is the garbage fresh?"

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"You left this on our ship."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Blind man walking a tortoise.

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Introducing...Anagraman.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'