Quirky Comedy Aficionado Gifts

'I think we're being stalked.'

"Is the garbage fresh?"

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"You left this on our ship."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

Astral Projection

Introducing...Anagraman.

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"