Quirky Comedy Connoisseur Pillows

"Larry, nooo! Don't look into the BOWL!!!"

"I think it's called Alcopop Art."

DracarASS!

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"It's just a tree."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"I cross the road to forget."

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."