Cautionary Comedians Gifts

'I do love you, but anything you say, ever, will be remembered and may be used in evidence against you.'

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

Football Delivery

"Oh, don't mind us. We boo everybody."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

Memory Foam Mattress.

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

Stupid medicine - Shake Well Before Using.

When Pyromaniacs Buy A Home: 'This is a great starter home.'

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'

"The demands of this job can place quite a burden on your family, so we recommend you fake your own death."

"Your prognosis? That depends on your health insurance."

"According to your C.V. you were self employed, but you made yourself redundant?"

'The hook was too dangerous.'

"This Subway Diet is way better than that Atkins nonsense."

"Then it struck me - nobody originally on the Paleo Diet lived past 35."

Tombstones have names of vegetables on them.

"Are you a yes man or a no man?"

“That’s not the nuclear football That’s my gym bag.”

"I'm not taking any chances. . ."

"Better safe than sorry."

'Whatever you do, don't tell them you think you're ready to take on more responsibility.'

'The feedback on the extended opening hours was generally excellent, although some people feel we should provide croissants and coffee in the morning and a little late supper in the evening.'

"I killed him in self-defense. I'm not good at accepting criticism."

Road Rage in the Afterlife

'I'm not taking any more of those Tranquillizers. I'm being nice to people I don't even want to talk to!'