Cynical Comedians Gifts

"This Subway Diet is way better than that Atkins nonsense."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

65 Million Years Ago

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

iDeasy

Memory Foam Mattress.

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

Oink.

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

'Some words of wisdom son, crime does't pay. However...business crime does!'

What is this place? It's a new lab. I'm testing out business ideas. I'm figuring out new ways to make an extra buck, exploit consumers and drive out the competition. I'm working with fake sales, marketing gimmicks, come-ons, and let-downs. I feel like toweling off. Brilliant, we'll charge extra for napkins.