Cynic Humorist Gifts

'It's a trap.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."