Cynical Humor Lover Gifts

"But how do you know for sure you've got power unless you abuse it?"

In Case Of Whistle-blower Break Glass.

'Quid pro quo? It means the f*** is. we f*** them.'

'I used to be on the cutting edge, always pushing the envelope. Now I stuff them.'

Do you sell insurance against getting ripped off by insurance companies?

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'These have been selling really well. Have the folks in product development add a dash more built-in obsolescence.'

As ever it was impossible to avoid the unsightliness of the vested interests.

Finally, A Real Honest Politician: '...And I think you should elect me because I'm nothing but a big, fat liar!'

'Normally, this job requires extensive testing, security clearance, international experience and foreign language skills, but since you're the bulimic ex-girlfriend of a pro football player, you're hired.'

Liar. Said she was too busy and didn't date creeps. Doesn't look that busy.

"It's not your heart, JD-you don't have one."

"How refreshing to meet an honest politician."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"One would think an all-powerful, all-knowing god would be able to further his own agenda without legislative assistance."

"I have nothing to hide."

"£11,231,371! You know what this means - beggin' letters, con tricks, kidnap threats. . . We'll start with the letters, what's his address again?"

The consumer protection act requires me to inform you that I have no real power to grant wishes, but am here for entertainment purposes only.

The finer points of marriage.

'So how was your year?'

'Jerome hasn't trusted anyone since Dan Rather.'

Have you been saving your salary? Yeah, I'm hoping one day it might be worth something...

'There's always a catch'

"...until death will finally deliver you?"

Finally, a cable network aimed at me. "You're watching the Pointless Existence Channel."

Another year, another dollar

The extreme pessimist. Not only is it half empty, I'll bet it's watered down!

Life is short. And then you die. Did I leave anything out? A lingering illness?

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Unfortunately all evidence of your son's intelligence is purely anecdotal."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'