Cynical Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

'Our corporate culture is simple. We hire energetic young folks like you, then exploit them with low wages, long hours and mind-numbing projects until there's nothing left but dried-up shells of existential regret.'

'We've been burning useless Gift Vouchers, to keep warm.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

Coming Soon! More Stuff You Could Live Without!

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

The finer points of marriage.

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

"Your job could be worse and I'm open to any suggestion to make it so."

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"But is it art ?"

Obama builds own gallows.

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

No Layoffs Next 200 Miles

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'