Cynical Humor Enthusiast Gifts

Democracy in action.

"He didn't exactly ask for a divorce-he offered me an early-retirement package."

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Well, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Space available' sign in desert.

'Nice to see your dept made a profit, Kimble.'

Suggest box leads to resignation box

"As far as I'm concerned, we didn't get out a moment too soon."

"Politics is the fine art of doing nothing but taking all day to do it."

"Oh, sure, he's part of the checks and balances: He gets plenty of checks and his bank balances are great."

"This promises to be the ultimate test of the public's gullibility."

"I said your crimes were indensible. Not for a moment did I say we wouldn't defend you."

"They're migrating to parliament house."

"If he says 'I want to make a difference' set the dog on him!"

"He emptied my bank account and left town. Turns out I never really knew the back of my hand at all."

'I already sold my soul to lobbyists.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Until I met you, I didn't think it was possible to start at the bottom and work your way down."

'Sunnyside down.'

'Scaling back public healthcare would be fine, but they'd better not mess with our congressional perks...'

'You only say that because you're a television set!'

'I need a divorce.' - 'So who's the lucky woman?'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"You have your whole life ahead of you, Billy...boy, I sure don't envy you!"

When I was your age my father gave me a bunch of advice he said would guide me through life. I followed it to the letter until it got me thrown into reform school. So, my best advice to you is, don't take any wooden nickels. !!!

"Why are you reading obituaries?""To manage expectations..."

"Everything has been done to death."

"Did you ever get the feeling you've done this job before in a previous economy?"

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.