Cynic Humor Lover Gifts

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

65 Million Years Ago

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"Everything has been done to death."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

Oink.

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"