Cynical Laughter Lover Gifts

It pays to vote!

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

65 Million Years Ago

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

The finer points of marriage.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Stop whispering in my ear, it tickles!

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Amy Schumer

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'