Cynical Laughter Lover Pillows

It pays to vote!

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

65 Million Years Ago

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Stop whispering in my ear, it tickles!

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'MILK FIGHT!'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'