Ironic Laughter Enthusiast Pillows

Sad Humour

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Look! No hands!"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Emergency Phone.

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”