Cynical Humor Fan Pillows

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

Cards: Good Luck Goodbye Good Riddance.

"Turn and run, princess! Don't walk into that church, you can do so much better than him!"

"Showing up is half the losing battle."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so passe."

"My motto is: If you don't have anything nice to day... don't say anything nice."

'Is there someone else, Irene?', 'Sure - There's one born every minute.'

"Actually lying doesn't come that easily to me. I have to work at it."

'The spirit of bipartisan cooperation is back - if you vote against my bill, I'll vote against your bill.'

'If at first you don't succeed...clutch at whatever you can get!'

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'That's his motto.'

Welcome to Stupidity Night, Pay Full Price and Get In Free.

'You can't win -- If you didn't vote, you can't complain, and if you did vote, you sanctioned all this!'

'Sure, but think what a crook I'd be without hypocrisy!'

"Bob's more realistic."

"Oh yeah, Senator, the coverup's the real fun."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."