Cynical Humor Fans Pillows

"He was so surprised the government had done something right he fell in the shredder."

"The trouble with being a jackal is you're always surrounded by jackals."

'My dog usually doesn't growl at people. Are you, by chance, a politician?'

STRIP Hambone: Computer that cuts work load in half

"As a prepper I've taken precautions and can survive for weeks in case of disaster."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

The finer points of marriage.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

iDeasy

"But is it art ?"

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

'There's always a catch'