Cynical Humor Enthusiast Pillows

Democracy in action.

"He didn't exactly ask for a divorce-he offered me an early-retirement package."

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Well, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Space available' sign in desert.

'Nice to see your dept made a profit, Kimble.'

Suggest box leads to resignation box

"As far as I'm concerned, we didn't get out a moment too soon."

"Politics is the fine art of doing nothing but taking all day to do it."

"Oh, sure, he's part of the checks and balances: He gets plenty of checks and his bank balances are great."

"This promises to be the ultimate test of the public's gullibility."

"I said your crimes were indensible. Not for a moment did I say we wouldn't defend you."

"They're migrating to parliament house."

"If he says 'I want to make a difference' set the dog on him!"

"He emptied my bank account and left town. Turns out I never really knew the back of my hand at all."

'I already sold my soul to lobbyists.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Until I met you, I didn't think it was possible to start at the bottom and work your way down."

'Sunnyside down.'

'Scaling back public healthcare would be fine, but they'd better not mess with our congressional perks...'

'You only say that because you're a television set!'

'I need a divorce.' - 'So who's the lucky woman?'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"You have your whole life ahead of you, Billy...boy, I sure don't envy you!"

"Why are you reading obituaries?""To manage expectations..."

"Everything has been done to death."

"Did you ever get the feeling you've done this job before in a previous economy?"

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever