Cynical Humor Fan Gifts

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

Cards: Good Luck Goodbye Good Riddance.

"Turn and run, princess! Don't walk into that church, you can do so much better than him!"

"Showing up is half the losing battle."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so passe."

"My motto is: If you don't have anything nice to day... don't say anything nice."

'Is there someone else, Irene?', 'Sure - There's one born every minute.'

"Actually lying doesn't come that easily to me. I have to work at it."

'The spirit of bipartisan cooperation is back - if you vote against my bill, I'll vote against your bill.'

'If at first you don't succeed...clutch at whatever you can get!'

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'That's his motto.'

Welcome to Stupidity Night, Pay Full Price and Get In Free.

'You can't win -- If you didn't vote, you can't complain, and if you did vote, you sanctioned all this!'

'Sure, but think what a crook I'd be without hypocrisy!'

You too? You're on board with the apocalyptic visions? Better to be safe. You are urging repentance? Huh? No. Did you read the full sign? The end is near, eat donuts while you still can. Coupled with an insidious promotion, no doubt. High judgment day demand forces us to double prices.

Boss, if you could be ANY superhero, which one would it be? Insurance-Adjuster-Man. In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure. Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast. "Heroes" aren't in it for the money. Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance ... Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard.

It's fine to hate Congress, little buddy, but you have to have a REASON. The ladies dig a guy who has reasons. Well

"Bob's more realistic."

"Oh yeah, Senator, the coverup's the real fun."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

65 Million Years Ago

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."