Cynical Humor Gifts

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"Misery likes company? Good. Company likes misery. You start Monday."

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

65 Million Years Ago

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"Nothing pays off more than a million dollars donated to the political campaigns of a few key politicians!"

iDeasy

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Obama builds own gallows.

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"I have nothing to hide."

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

Oink.

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'There's always a catch'