Humor Cynic Gifts

Obama builds own gallows.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

65 Million Years Ago

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

Oink.

"Everything has been done to death."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"I have nothing to hide."