Humor Cynic Gifts

Obama builds own gallows.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

65 Million Years Ago

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

"Everything has been done to death."

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

Oink.

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"I have nothing to hide."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'