Humorous Cynic Gifts

"I guess computer programmer is not going to be one of my career choices!"

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Obama builds own gallows.

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"But is it art ?"

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Everything has been done to death."

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

Oink.

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."