Comical Cynic Gifts

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

The finer points of marriage.

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

The Nihilist Deli.

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

Obama builds own gallows.

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"But is it art ?"

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Everything has been done to death."

"I have nothing to hide."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

Oink.

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'