Comedic Cynic Gifts

'If you don't want to know the scores please exercise your distrust of the BBC now.'

'So what made you think that doomsday prophecy would be right?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

The Nihilist Deli.

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Love is the temporary illusion that you're not alone in the universe"

"Die alone"

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"...Now they're playing tape number 7710K. It starts with Johnny Mathis hits arranged for strings and woodwind, then goes on to Mister Henry Mancini. After that..."

Roses are occasionally red. Violets are violet not blue. I'm a pedant. So there!

"Before I give you my answer I just gotta be sure you ain't one of them nasty olee-garks I've been hearing about."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"I should've realised the relationship was dead what do you made me sign a 14 page waiver before he gave me a valentines card!"

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'