Comedic Cynic Pillows

'If you don't want to know the scores please exercise your distrust of the BBC now.'

'So what made you think that doomsday prophecy would be right?'

Leonard Dilwacker, self-professed football expert who was cut from his Jr. High Team, fires off another death threat to the Michigan kicker whose mistake resulted in a last-second loss...

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

The Nihilist Deli.

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"We'll always hate Paris."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Love is the temporary illusion that you're not alone in the universe"

"Die alone"

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

Obama builds own gallows.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

"Before I give you my answer I just gotta be sure you ain't one of them nasty olee-garks I've been hearing about."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Roses are occasionally red. Violets are violet not blue. I'm a pedant. So there!

"I should've realised the relationship was dead what do you made me sign a 14 page waiver before he gave me a valentines card!"

"...Now they're playing tape number 7710K. It starts with Johnny Mathis hits arranged for strings and woodwind, then goes on to Mister Henry Mancini. After that..."

Sucking Up to Gen X