Comedic Cynics Pillows

I wish Mort were here. I need help with this. You can't open an envelope. It's the national radio society's annual prize results. Someone nominated me as Most Obnoxious and Caustic Talk Show of the Year. Great honor. I need Mort's moral support if I don't win. Naturally.

Hypochondriac center - We pretend to care.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

The Nihilist Deli.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

Pop up begger.

Obama builds own gallows.

'It's bad enough I get overrules at home... why here also, Sharon?'

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

Sucking Up to Gen X

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

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