Literary Cynic Pillows

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

Bush vs. America

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."