Cynical Philosopher Pillows

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

'Basically, Son, the Democrats are donkeys, the Republicans are elephants, and the rest of us are roadkill.'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"Can I be in the control group?"

'It's a matter of interpretation...to a politician 'contract' like 'manifesto' simply means an 'empty promise'.'

'Just think. In a hundred years, another despot will be sitting on this throne.'

"You can't fool all the people all the time. But most of the people most of the time? That's easy?"

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Live, Love, Laugh, Loathe.

"I don't know about a bucket list, Gracie. I've done everything I want to do..."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Remember, junior...people may talk about bucking the system and getting money out of politics, but in the end the system always wins."

'My retirement plan is, I hope someone steals my identity and builds me a decent social security account.'

Man with t-shirt: 'I think, therefore I don't vote'

The world will end tomorrow! - "Do I look crazy? I lend you ten bucks...the world ends...and I never get ten bucks back!"

'Why don't we just get rid of the TV?'

'Success is buying your experience cheap...And selling at a profit.'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'My name is Rip Van Winkle - I've been sleeping for 15 years - what's new?'

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

"I've been voting for the lesser of two evils for decades now, and yet the country still seems to be self-destructing in slow motion."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."