Cynical Philosophers Pillows

Lessons in Life .50$. This stupid machine took my money! Of course it did.

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: '...And I like it! It's refreshing to see honesty in a religion for a change.'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"With great power comes great reward."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Will Self deprecation

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Diogenes and tourists

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

Bush vs. America