Cynic Philosopher Pillows

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Someday

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Will Self deprecation

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Gullibility Test $1.00.

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."