Cynic Pillows

"I offer a full warranty. If it ever stops, just call me. I'll tell you what time it is."

"When you get a chance, remember to ask God the meaning of life-it's a riot."

"Perhaps it's a bit early to tell, but I'll bet the Presidential visit changes nothing."

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'

"Take this, Henderson, and hide it from the public."

'I don't believe it! They're ALL empty.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"Sorry, sir. I don't recall. Is this the lady who likes wine white or the lady who prefers red wine?"

"He's upset because the people who 'stole his identity', felt sorry for him and gave it back."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

Entering Clogsted.

'Our local council's appallingly corrupt.'

'I had it all - then the IRS found where I had it hidden.'

Too Good to be true - 50c.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

"After so many years of marriage what are you getting for your anniversary?" "Drunk."

"I'm getting more death threats than I'm sending."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Famous Oxymorons...

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"