Cynic Pillows

"I offer a full warranty. If it ever stops, just call me. I'll tell you what time it is."

"When you get a chance, remember to ask God the meaning of life-it's a riot."

"Perhaps it's a bit early to tell, but I'll bet the Presidential visit changes nothing."

"This looks good."

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'

"Please don't knock on my door to blather on about your fictional obsessions. I don't knock on your door to blather on about Star Trek and Doctor Who."

"Take this, Henderson, and hide it from the public."

'I don't believe it! They're ALL empty.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"Sorry, sir. I don't recall. Is this the lady who likes wine white or the lady who prefers red wine?"

"He's upset because the people who 'stole his identity', felt sorry for him and gave it back."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

Entering Clogsted.

'Our local council's appallingly corrupt.'

'I had it all - then the IRS found where I had it hidden.'

Too Good to be true - 50c.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"After so many years of marriage what are you getting for your anniversary?" "Drunk."

"I'm getting more death threats than I'm sending."

Someday

"I think if there's one thing we've all learned from this, it's that we haven't learned a goddamn thing."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp