Canine Cynic Pillows

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Famous Oxymorons...

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

Obama builds own gallows.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

Born Cynical,,,,

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

*2020

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."