Professional Cynic Pillows

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

The Forever Stamp

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Obama builds own gallows.

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Would you say your politics are middle of the road?"

Born Cynical,,,,

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

Man at a desk in Performance Review Dept. has a cannon in the 'OUT' box pointing out the window lights cannon.

Find the failed CEO who got a 200 million dollar bonus while being fired.

'I hate my boss!...'

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."