Professional Cynic Gifts

Such a Coincidence

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

The Forever Stamp

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Obama builds own gallows.

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

Bush vs. America

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Would you say your politics are middle of the road?"

"I've given him your message. If you'll just take a seat, he'll be out in a moment with his hands up."

"I was thinking about leaving until I found out they were going to waterboard me during the exit interview."

Born Cynical,,,,

'I hate my boss!...'

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

Man at a desk in Performance Review Dept. has a cannon in the 'OUT' box pointing out the window lights cannon.

*2020