Cynics Gifts

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

National Sarcasm Awareness: 'Thanks! Like that's really going to help.'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

'Gold by post - send us your gold and we'll send you what we think it's worth.' 'There's mugs in them thar hills.'

'Well, they are probably past the age where romance matters.'

"Years are like my previous five marriages. You welcome them with big expectations, but you end hating them."

"My ex-wife always said I'd end up here."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

The Forever Stamp

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Will Self deprecation

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."