Cynical Thinkers Gifts

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

Wilders breaking election promises.

Cost of living - 'Thank God we're dead.'

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

No more bribes - today.

'The early bird may get the worm but being early sure doesn't work out so well for us.'

'Glad to heart it. We're recruiting.'

'Vote Cameron, get Brussels.'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."