Cynical Thinkers Gifts

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

Wilders breaking election promises.

I can't believe it. Dead. Finally. Irrevocably. Someone died? Someone I knew? A little, perhaps, before politicians and corporations conspired to commit bloody murder. Who died? Truth. Truth is dead! Metaphors remain fully alive.

Cost of living - 'Thank God we're dead.'

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

No more bribes - today.

'The early bird may get the worm but being early sure doesn't work out so well for us.'

'Glad to heart it. We're recruiting.'

'Vote Cameron, get Brussels.'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

I Really Don't Care Do U?

"I think if there's one thing we've all learned from this, it's that we haven't learned a damn thing."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"Nihilistic customer service"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'