Cynical Thinker Gifts

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'What's the catch?'

"It's the Governments pre-election pledges for the nhs.."

'Remember, Hannon, give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll have no further use for you.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'Today congress passed more 'temporary measures' to get us past the expiration of 'temporary measures'...'

'I think the best way for you to build the highest level of character is to work for me for the next 10 years at minimum wage.'

'That's it?'

"Bad news - Buddy flipped the van, spilling eight crates of samples into rush-hour traffic. Good news - the van flipped logo-side up."

'Remember...if at first you don't succeed, hire a scapegoat and move on.'

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'I've found that once you've learned to fake honesty, you've got it made.'

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

Welcome to Mudville. There is no joy, but we've got a Starbucks.

"If our bank had a negative interest rate we would be rich."

"They only allow us one call a week. You'd better not be another telemarketer."

Will Self deprecation

"The only thing shaking my faith in democracy are elections."

'I'm worried, I'm not fooling any of the people any of the time!'

"Man, what kind of times are we living in when in law schools they don't even teach you how to threaten witnesses and how to bribe judges and cops. . ."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Is it my imagination, or was there once a time when we at least pretended to give a rat's patootie?'

"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're STILL a rat..!"

Economic promises

"The poor guy believes in the existence of honest and unselfish politicians!"

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"I think the expression, 'It's a small world' is really a euphemism for, 'I keep running into people I can't stand.'"

Parliament

'I'm a politician of great conviction, plus 37 similar offences to be taken in to consideration...'

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."