Cynical Academic Gifts

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"Nihilistic customer service"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

Will Self deprecation

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."