Cynicism Critic Gifts

'Don't tell me about the basic goodness of children - as soon as there were two, Cain killed Abel!'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Diogenes and tourists

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'No wonder people are cynical about government. Fooling some of the people all the time no longer works.'

Man with t-shirt: 'I think, therefore I don't vote'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Born Cynical,,,,

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."