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'Don't tell me about the basic goodness of children - as soon as there were two, Cain killed Abel!'

Boss, can we change the Muzak? There's only so much Duran Duran I can take. Forget it. I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee. Music isn't supposed to be cynical. Little known fact: Duran Duran is 2% more mouth-watering than Oingo Boingo.

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Diogenes and tourists

Bush vs. America

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

Born Cynical,,,,

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

*2020