Cynicism Enthusiast Gifts

Sarcasm support group.

"No comment for now, but there'll be a press leak at five."

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

"Water, please – no ice. I don't want my water watered down."

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

"Call Mr. Oliphant and wish him happy birthday. Then raise his rate 400 dollars for being in a new age bracket."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Just remember, Mr. Federman, becoming rich and cynical was a better choice than staying poor and cynical."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'You'll love Elliot, Father, He despises everyone even more than you do!'

Time: 5:45pm Temp: 72' Life: Sucks

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"Forty may be the new twenty and sixty the new thirty... but eighty eight is still crappin' in paper underpants and swallowing your dentures."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Diogenes and tourists

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

Born Cynical,,,,