Cynical Critics Gifts

Corrupted Politicians

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"With great power comes great reward."

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Black Friday

Diogenes and tourists

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'Huh! Nobody home!'

'Let's face it, we're nothing but a puppet government.'

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'