Cynicism Aficionados Gifts

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Good news - it'll all be over sooner than we thought."

65 Million Years Ago

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Diogenes and tourists

iDeasy

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Bush vs. America

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"Everything has been done to death."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

Sucking Up to Gen X

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'