Cynicism Aficionado Gifts

"Your assessment shows that you're a megalomaniac with psychopathic tendencies, completely bereft of any interest or concern for others. When can you start?"

Information and Still don't get it.

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Diogenes and tourists

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Everything has been done to death."

Born Cynical,,,,

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'