Cynicism Aficionado Gifts

"Your assessment shows that you're a megalomaniac with psychopathic tendencies, completely bereft of any interest or concern for others. When can you start?"

Information and Still don't get it.

Why They Haven't Attacked Us Again

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

Bush vs. America

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Diogenes and tourists

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"Everything has been done to death."

*2020

Born Cynical,,,,

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

If you want to get big as a radio host, you've got to differentiate yourself from all the other mean, insulting critics. I have a plan. You need to start being nice. That way, you'll really surprise people when you turn on them. That's the stupidest @#$% Idea I've ever heard, you muscle-bound ape! It needs work. Damn. What if I retract the muscle-bound part?