Cynicism Lover Gifts

'I am literally allergic to positivity.'

"What good is all this cynicism, Butler, if you don't use it in figuring billable hours?"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"How can you have repetitive strain injury? You only sign on once a fortnight."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Always Compatible

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

The Forever Stamp

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The finer points of marriage.

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"